The Upside of Anger

ANGER is an interesting emotion. It tells us when we feel hurt, disappointed, frustrated, disrespected or not validated.

It has enormous POWER. The question is what do you do with that POWER?

I believe YOUR anger must be validated, honoured and respected by YOU. I also believe it MUST have an outlet. It is by CHOICE whether we decide that outlet is POSITIVE or NEGATIVE.

WHAT ARE SOME NEGATIVE OUTLETS FOR ANGER?

  • VERBAL – Yelling, insulting, shaming, or ranting at a person or animal. (This includes children, spouses, and strangers)
  • PHYSICAL – Violence towards yourself, another person or animal. (This includes pushing, throwing things, grabbing someone’s arm and yanking them etc.)
  • DRIVING – Weaving in and out of traffic, speed, tailgating etc. Erratic driving is dangerous to all involved.
  • ADDICTIONS – Eating/binging, gambling, sex, pornography, drinking, drugs etc.

WHAT ARE SOME POSITIVE OUTLETS FOR ANGER?

  • EXERCISE – Run, cycle or hike up a difficult hill!
  • BREATHE – It’s simple, but effective.
  • TIME OUT – We ask kids to do this all the time and it’s useful advice for adults as well. In the heat of the moment, step away and take time to collect your thoughts before speaking or acting out of anger.
  • JOURNAL – Seeing your thoughts outside of your head is very useful. By writing down your thoughts and emotions, you can see them from another perspective.
  • CRY – Let it out. Expressing anger through tears is not a sign of weakness…it’s simply a release.
  • VOCALIZE – Some people find singing helps; others will release anger by simply yelling, “Ahhhh!”
  • TALK – Find a trusted counsellor, life coach or another source you can vent your frustrations to without it complicating the situation even more. (For example, sometimes talking to a family member about a family member can create more chaos.)
  • CLEAN HOUSE – Sometimes when you are angry, tearing apart your closet and reorganizing or going outside and pulling weeds can be a useful way to expel that energy.

ANGER IS ENERGY AND IT NEEDS AN OUTLET.

If left ignored, my belief is anger will expose itself through illness (depression and anxiety are included among other diseases or ailments), relationships or it will explode in chaotic, life altering ways.

I have seen anger do incredible damage to individuals and families.  Underneath the anger is always PAIN.

So, if you are feeling angry, how are you dealing with it? Are you ignoring your emotion? Are you giving it a healthy outlet? What CHOICE are you going to make to channel your anger in a POSITIVE way?

  • Honour the emotion.
  • Respect the reasons why.
  • Release the negative energy through a healthy outlet.
  • Understand the core reasons why you were angry.
  • Let go of the pain behind the anger.

Don’t stuff your anger/ pain or express it negatively; honour it by releasing it through a healthy outlet.

Remember: Don’t do something permanently damaging just because you are temporary upset.

With a smile,

Tina

 

How To Let Go Of Pain

“If you want to end your suffering, enter your pain.” ~ Robert Augustus Masters

It’s a scary thought, isn’t it? I completely understand but I also know past pain patiently waits for you and can show up as DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, FEAR-BASED LIVING, TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS, WEIGHT ISSUES, ADDICTIONS, OVER-SPENDING, GAMBLING, ANGER, LOW SELF-ESTEEM and HEALTH ISSUES.

If something is not working in your life, the first step is to have a deep desire to understand your behaviours and patterns. You must have a strong inner commitment to seek to understand yourSELF.

Find yourSELF and you will find your JOY. This is how to let go of pain.

So what do I mean by that?

If you had some childhood trauma, you dealt with it in the best way possible with the child skills and understanding you had at that time.

You were young. Counselling is incredibly beneficial and necessary; however, because you were a CHILD, you may need to revisit this wound when you are older. As an adult you will understand a different level of the emotions and situation, with more life experience, perspective and maturity.

It doesn’t mean you have to sit and stay in your pain, but it does mean you have to ACKNOWLEDGE, VALIDATE, PROCESS and then slowly HEAL that wound. This takes time and compassion and is how to let go of pain.

I don’t want you to live in the past; I want you to learn from the past. There is a big difference.

Living in the past means you are stuck there, keeping the pain and chaos alive. It doesn’t serve anyone in a positive way and becomes a method to create more painful events. This is very dangerous to all involved and simply repeats the cycle.

When you learn from the past, you seek to understand yourSELF and ultimately change your behaviours.

You HONOUR the emotions and feelings you felt at that time understanding why you were angry, scared or sad. I believe in forgiveness but it’s at the end of the process and I believe you need to forgive yourSELF first. Often times it wasn’t your fault, yet the tendency as children is to view it as your responsibility. “I should have known better” is a common misconception we tell ourselves.

With time, love and nurturing SELF, forgiveness of others may come.

“If you want to end your suffering, enter your pain.”~ Robert Augustus Masters

  • Find a nurturing, loving and safe support network, whether it’s trusted friends, family and a counsellor, life coach or psychiatrist.
  • Be surrounded by POSITIVE people who will help you rebuild yourSELF.
  • Feed your mind with messages of LOVE, HOPE, STRENGTH, COURAGE and KINDNESS.
  • Take care of your body by some form of EXERCISE and eating HEALTHY, nutritious food!

Make a deep, inner commitment that you will seek to understand yourSELF, and then you will find your JOY.

I realize it doesn’t feel like it, because pain is so painFULL (overwhelming, all consuming) but walking through your pain can be a way to gain greater understanding and depth of love, compassion, kindness and forgiveness, both for yourSELF and for others. It’s a journey we all experience and it is a way to let go of pain.

Remember YOU are very COURAGEOUS and the journey through your pain is a way to let go of pain lifting you to greater heights than you ever imagined.

With love and compassion,

Tina

PS. Here is another powerful article on this topic called “The Prophecy of Pain”.

 

 

 

Why Are Random Acts Of Kindness…Random?

A few months ago I was at the movie theatre with two extra tickets. I was going to the film with my date so I decided to give the other two tickets away.

At the ticket booth a fellow was in the process of paying for his ticket with debit. I stopped him mid password and asked if he was seeing the same movie as us. He said he was, so I said,

“Here, take this ticket. It’s free!”

He stared at me in disbelief while the clerk sighed and grabbed the debit machine away from him to cancel the charge.

“What do you mean…free?”

I explained that I had four tickets and we were only using two so he could have one of the other ones…for free.

“But…why?”

He looked so confused.

Why would I give him the ticket? Why would I give anyone the ticket? Why wouldn’t I sell the tickets? Why didn’t I use the tickets later?!

I wasn’t sure which “why” he was referring to, but I just laughed, handed him the ticket and told him to enjoy the film.

He looked at me so intently:

“Thank you.”

It feels fantastic to give someone something they had no idea was going to happen that day whether it’s a ticket, hug or an unexpected phone call.

Why are random acts of kindness…random?

Why not SHARE our JOY, LOVE and ABUNDANCE with others on a regular basis?

Shouldn’t it be called “REGULAR ACTS OF KINDNESS”?

Isn’t that the better phrase? Wouldn’t our world run a little smoother if we all did this on a regular basis?

Here are some ways I share my LOVE and KINDNESS:

HUGS, SMILES, A KIND NOTE, EMAIL, TEXT OR PHONE CALL

SIMPLE, CONSIDERATE GESTURES:

  • I let someone know I am thinking of them by popping a card in the MAIL!
  • I sneak a handwritten note into their pocket while they aren’t looking so they’ll discover it later. (This is one of my favorites!)
  • I let someone in front of me when I’m driving in traffic.
  • I give someone the parking space I was going to take…it’s okay, there’s always another one!
  • I give someone my time. A half hour of time may completely change their day.

There are many ways to share kindness and it is something we can give freely anytime at any place to anyone!

You just don’t know how an act of kindness can affect some else’s day.

If you look, there are always ways to extend LOVE and KINDNESS and the true BLESSING of giving to others is the wonderful feeling YOU get by doing a good deed.

Extend kindness and love; receive kindness and love. It’s just that simple.

With a smile,

Tina

 

BC ChildRun

There are some events that every person should do at least once in their lifetime and I believe BC ChildRun is definitely one of them.

I asked my dear friend Alix if I could take photos and write a blog on how much money they raised in honor of their beautiful son, Connor. She welcomed me with open, loving arms.

If you don’t know Connor, click HERE to read the full story about his COURAGE, STRENGTH and WISDOM and the incredible journey he took with his family.

He was indeed a brave soul. He fought a terrible form of brain cancer called medulloblastoma, a malignant tumour in the cerebellum of the brain. He was first diagnosed at just 7 years old in September 2010. After extensive treatment his family thought he had made a full recovery and celebrated his strength, courage and new lease on life.

November 2011 Connor had signs of a stroke and rushed back to the hospital. It was soon discovered his tumour was back and far more aggressive than before.

Connor passed away in his parents arms December 21, 2011, just days before Christmas.

What emotions are felt during that time? Anger? Fear? Sadness? Despair? I have not lived through the pain this family endured but what I do know is that the feelings run DEEP…beyond what can be expressed with words…experience is really the only true way to understand.

I didn’t know what to expect when I arrived on Sunday for the BC ChildRun.

What I saw was a group of family and friends gathered to honour Connor and support an incredible family.

My heart was happy to see teenagers goofing around as teenagers do.

I saw beautiful friendships…

lots of laughter…

loving family…

and I saw Connor and Kayden’s parents holding hands, marching bravely forward

I felt such enormous respect, love and compassion for this couple as they walked for their son, for their family…they could turn on each other drowning in their own grief…but what I saw was LOVE, COMMITMENT and true SUPPORT.

We all wore red feather boas, a pin with Connor’s photo and necklaces with the word “hope”. I only knew Alix but I felt a part of this group because we were there for the same reason. I felt a part of everyone’s group who participated in the event that day because collectively we were all there out of LOVE.

I’m sure many had asked that haunting, unanswered question of ‘why’ which is only answered by silence…

But that day, we ALL walked in unison, in harmony and to the beat of our own stories.

I chatted with Alix as we walked the 5 kilometers and what I witnessed was pure LOVE. Her DEPTH OF LOVE is indescribable. The sadness was obviously there, but LOVE was STRONGER…BIGGER…DEEPER and far more TANGIBLE.

CONGRATULATIONS “FRIENDS FOR CONNOR” FOR BEING THE TOP INDEPENDENT FUNDRAISER AT THIS YEAR’S BC CHILDRUN!

They raised $14,000! The Wilson family sponsors this BC Children’s Hospital event so they matched any individual who raises over a thousand dollars. Some of the team members were matched making the grand total…

$25,000!

Connor’s brother, Kayden was interviewed by the media and spoke calmly and eloquently according to his very proud Mom.

Thank YOU my dear readers for your generous contribution to this amazing group of family and friends and for exceeding Kayden’s original fundraising goal!

According to his Mom, Connor would be so proud, but he’s not done yet. Connor has a bucket list!

It was very important to him that his family raise money so that a child, just like himself, could go to Disneyland through the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

My dear readers, you have already shown the power of creating change through a simple donation so please click HERE to make a contribution in CONNOR FOGARTY’S NAME. They need $6,000 to allow another child the freedom to just enJOY having FUN and being ALIVE.

 

His Mom, Alix, is also making beautiful jewelry and all proceeds go to Make-A-Wish Foundation in Connor’s honour. She has stock available or makes custom orders. You can view her jewelery and make an order by going to my Facebook Page.

I have a lasting image in my head: Small red feathers from our boas drifted in the air. For me this symbolized Connor’s precious life gently and lovingly reaching people.

 

Thank you for your love and support.

With a smile,

Tina

 

 

Teenage Issues

It’s difficult being a teenager; there’s lots of pressure.

I remember as hard as I tried, I never felt like I fit in. I had an unstable childhood which contributed to having very low self esteem. I wanted to escape my problems, gain acceptance by my peers and feel ‘pretty’ so partying became my method to cope with these teenage issues.

Teenagers are still partying.

It’s frightening to think they feel invincible and do stupid things while under the influence; drinking to extremes and getting alcohol poisoning or  ‘experimenting’ with drugs. Self medicating due to difficult issues such as anxiety, depression, divorce, grief etc is extremely serious and needs attention.

What may fall under the radar are the sexual abuse, assaults, and rapes that are happening while teenage girls are under the influence of alcohol and / or drugs.

I’ll give you a couple examples:

Teenage boy is at a party and hooks up with a teenage girl. They have sex in the upstairs bedroom and he wears a condom. He finds out that his girlfriend has now arrived at the party so he gets girl #1 to leave the room. Enter his girlfriend.

“What are you doing with a condom on already?”

“Oh baby, I knew you were coming and I wanted to be ready for you.”

Yes, they end up having sex with the same condom! Two girls, one condom; who’s being protected here!? The girlfriend was not told the truth so made a decision to have sex with her boyfriend based on lies. He thinks he’s a stud and brags about it.

Example number two:

Young teenage girl is very drunk at a party and passes out on a sofa. Older teenage boy notices her and says to his friends:

“They are so much better when they are asleep.”

This is very, very disturbing!

HAVING SEX WITH A GIRL WHILE SHE IS PASSED OUT IS CALLED RAPE.

Thankfully, her friends overheard this comment and quickly got the teenage girl out of the room and away from this individual.

 

Any unwanted sexual advances regardless of being DRUNK, HIGH or PASSED OUT are called SEXUAL ASSAULTS or RAPE and is a CRIMINAL OFFENCE.

I know what I’m talking about because I was date raped while under the influence of alcohol.

I’m deeply concerned our teenage girls are graduating and marching off into the world with a suitcase already full of insecurities, low self esteem, warped body image issues, guilt, shame and a total disconnect to who they are as a person.

I’m equally as concerned our teenage boys are also marching off into the world but with an entitlement to cross boundaries with women and disrespect them verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically.

Music, television, games, movies and other sources that create a twisted culture of youth buying into being sexy, growing up way too fast and boys disrespecting girls are definitely out there.

Ultimately it’s OUR RESPONSIBILITY as adults to have open conversations and lead by example showing our children what DIGNITY, SELF RESPECT and INTEGRITY means.

It’s our job to help them create and understand BOUNDARIES and proper SELF CARE.

I know some incredible teenage boys and girls who are awesome examples for other teens to follow; however, THEY NEED OUR HELP.

Teenagers may feel like they are adults. They may speak and dress like adults. They may do well in school, have jobs and be involved in other activities like adults but they are CHILDREN and we need to keep them SAFE.

Please pass this on by clicking on the buttons below. Thank you.

With gratitude,

Tina