Just Say “NO”

I hate disappointing people.

My stress and anxiety rise when someone I care about asks me to do something and I have to say, “NO”.

I understand that saying “NO” is another form of SELF CARE, but it is one of the harder ones for me to do. I don’t want to disappoint people, or hurt their feelings.  I want to be a support system or a source of love and nurturing but sometimes if I am loving, nurturing and supporting them I am neglecting my own needs. 

If I neglect my own needs that’s fertile ground for the seed of resentment to grow.  Resentments are an ugly, negative and dark energy that I don’t want poisoning my body, mind or spirit. By saying, “NO”, I am actually nurturing the relationship between the other person and mySELF because I am HONORING MY INSTINCT and respecting the other person by being HONEST with my intentions.

Intellectually, this is very clear in my mind.  It makes sense. 

INSTINCT is our inner guide which sole purpose is to protect us and keep us from harm both physically and emotionally.

If my INSTINCT says to say “NO”, I should listen. 

So, why is it so hard sometimes? Why do I feel so guilty?

I think it’s a combination of things:

  • I don’t want to disappoint people.  I want to be able to provide whatever they need.
  • I don’t want people mad at me.  I hate conflict so I always want to maintain peace.
  • I want people to love me and fear if I say “NO” they won’t like me anymore.
  • I genuinely want to do for others because it brings me JOY and HAPPINESS.

In the past I’ve said, “YES” knowing full well it was going to be difficult for me to follow through.  I knew how badly the person wanted me to help so I said “YES”.  In this situation no one is happy because I couldn’t honor my word to them due to time or other commitments and ultimately I didn’t honor my INSTINCT when it told me to say “NO” in the first place!  By saying ”YES” I just created a more complicated and awkward situation. 

It is best to say “NO” in the beginning when your INSTINCT quietly says what is right and wrong for you.  It can be uncomfortable in the moment but will ultimately save you and the other person from negative feelings in the long run. 

REMEMBER: 

YOU ARE HONORING YOUR RELATIONSHIP BY BEING HONEST. 

SPEAK WITH INTEGRITY. 

SPEAK FROM A PLACE OF LOVE.

If you aren’t accustomed to saying “NO” it will be difficult for you in the beginning. 

By saying “NO” to them, you are saying “YES” to yourSELF. 

People may not like this new you because they are used to you always saying ”YES”. They’ll get over it.  If they don’t perhaps that is a relationship you need to evaluate.  Although they may be disappointed in your answer, they are also given the opportunity to be supportive towards YOU and your decisions.

Take the time to LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCT.  It is your guardian, parent, guide, teacher, protector and source of infinite wisdom. 

Honor.

Respect.

Listen.

With a smile,

Tina

 

If At First You Don’t Succeed…TRY AGAIN!

When we were children everything we did was a first:

  • Rolling onto our back
  • Rolling onto our stomach
  • Crawling
  • Clapping our hands

Our life consisted of constant REPETITION and continued DETERMINATION. Our very nature was to keep trying until we conquered the task. We didn’t quit when we landed on our butts, time and time again learning how to walk. We didn’t say:

“It’s too hard, I can’t do it! I quit!”

We got up on our wobbly, chubby legs and we tried again…and again…and again…until we weren’t only walking, we were running, jumping, skipping, skating, climbing, or swimming! 

We didn’t understand the word fail.

Defeatism isn’t part of our natural makeup.

We wouldn’t survive as a society if it was so we always keep trying. We had DETERMINATION, DRIVE and a FIERCE COMMITMENT to SUCCEED.

AS KIDS WE WERE FEARLESS.

We were constantly faced with CHALLENGES  and OBSTACLES but we always made the CHOICE to KEEP TRYING.

What if we applied that same innate quality of never giving up on yourSELF to our adult lives?

What if we didn’t see the challenges before us as being too hard but rather as part of the process? We didn’t see ourselves as failures but rather accepted that bumps, bruises and scrapes are part of the journey to learning how to succeed in life?

Can you imagine if we’d made the choice as children and decided that walking was too hard? We’ll just crawl instead…talking was too difficult so we’ll only use two or three word sentences? We won’t learn how to tie our shoes, use a fork or pour ourselves a cup of water.

We won’t LEARN. GROW. EXPAND. CHALLENGE ourselves. We won’t be CURIOUS or face our FEAR.

As children we learn that life opens up when we take chances, explore opportunities and if at first you don’t succeed, try, try and try again.

As adults we forget the value of challenging ourselves and only see it as something that takes too much time, is too hard or it’s not a priority. We get stuck, complacent and make daily decisions that mediocracy is acceptable.

As kids we would never accept that we couldn’t walk! We wanted our independence so we could explore more of the world! So we kept trying to walk until we could run!

We pushed our boundaries to discover we had no boundaries!

Walking led to running which led to dancing which led to climbing which led to wonderful, creative and exciting explorations!

Life opened up because we kept trying!

My wish for you today is that you apply for the job you’ve been thinking about or you take the dance class you’ve dreamed of but have been too shy to attend. Ask that guy out if you find him interesting or keep applying to university to get accepted as a lawyer or nurse if that’s what you really want. Don’t let one application stop you. Live the life you dream. Apply again. And again.

Keep your vision in focus and don’t let negative thoughts, doubts or insecurities skew the life you could have.

Keep trying. Don’t give up.

YOU NEVER GAVE UP ON YOURSELF AS A KID, WHY WOULD YOU START NOW?  USE YOUR CHILDHOOD COURAGE TO PUSH YOU IN THE DIRECTION OF YOUR DREAMS.

DREAM BIG. DREAM OUTRAGEOUSLY.

DO IT TODAY. DO IT NOW!

With a smile,

Tina

 

Did He Love Me? Do I Love MySELF?

Have you ever looked back at a previous relationship and wondered:

“Did he ever love me?”

It’s a natural question to ask especially if someone you loved and cared about betrayed you. How could they lie so easily? How could they treat you so badly?

“Did he ever love me?”

I used to ask that question, drive myself crazy with that question but then realized that I didn’t need the answer.

His lies helped me find my TRUTH.

I don’t need to know whether he loved me or not. That is inconsequential. What I needed to learn was:

DO I LOVE MYSELF?

And the answer then was clearly, “No”.

Love has to start from within. It must start with YOU first.

Our relationships are reflections of how we view ourselves. If you are with someone who is treating you with no respect, angry words and a total lack of concern for your wellbeing, it’s because there is a part of you that feels you deserve that kind of treatment.

If you truly loved your inner spirit, body, personality, talents and energy you wouldn’t accept such negative behaviour. Trust me, I’ve been there, I understand it well.

When I decided to change my life and not live my 40’s how I’d lived my 30’s my life improved. I passionately did the work on mySELF: processing past pain, healing deep wounds, and making my happiness a priority because I was determined to change the pattern.

By making the commitment to mySELF, I was able to find the strength to say NO to negative behaviour.

  • I made THE DECISION to surround mySELF with positive people and eliminated the angry, negative and toxic influences in my life.
  • I created personal goals and achieved those goals.
  • I found STRENGTH in my past and COURAGE in my present.
  • I found JOY in my heart because I was finally living an AUTHENTIC life.

My previous relationship was so twisted, distorted and convoluted I wondered if a healthy relationship was possible. Once I created a healthy relationship with mySELF, I was able to choose a new relationship with a different set of tools in my emotional toolbox.

All my relationships, including the one I have with mySELF are now based on:

  • RESPECT
  • HONESTY
  • INTEGRITY
  • KINDNESS
  • AUTHENTICITY
  • A LOVING, OPEN HEART

It is amazing what you can accomplish in a year’s time. I enCOURAGE you to FALL IN LOVE with yourSELF. Make 2012 the year you make THE DECISION to commit to your inner relationship with your beautiful, talented and loving SELF.

Treat yourSELF how you want others to treat you and treat others how you want to be treated.

2012 is your year.

FALL DEEPLY, MADLY AND PASSIONATELY IN LOVE WITH YOUR INNER SELF. 

Rise up. Take action. Choose YOU!

With a smile,

Tina

PS. My book THE DECISION is full of insights, steps and personal details of how I went from dysfunction to authenticity in a year’s time. Check it out!

LOVE is a GIFT

 

LOVE IS A GIFT.

During a time of year that is meant to express LOVE and JOY, money can cause stress and anxiety. This year, I was determined not to experience the dark days of last year

To change my experience, I decided to change my attitude. 

I may not have a lot of money but I do have words and thoughtfulness. Depending on the circumstance, words can carry enormous weight when there is LOVE behind them, and THOUGHTFULNESS shows that you care. These are wonderful gifts.

Last year I started to have a depressing Christmas. I was overwhelmed with anxiety because I was not able to give to others as they were giving to me.

I thought I needed money…gifts from money…in order to give back.

I was prepared to cancel Christmas due to this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and couldn’t see how my actions would affect my family. They wanted ME at Christmas, not my monetary gifts or lack thereof.

This year, I spent a little money but I also made gifts. I spent some time thinking of unique but personal gifts and then I also used my words as gifts. I sent my nephews journals which inside I’d hand written special memories and words of LOVE, KINDNESS and SUPPORT.

These are teenage boys…you wouldn’t think they would like such a gift, but they loved it and sent me messages of genuine appreciation. I used my words to help others who are struggling at this time. It isn’t “merry” Christmas for everyone. It’s difficult. Sometimes Christmas is depressing and brings sad memories to surface.

I used my words to write texts to people…quick little messages of LOVE.

But sometimes words aren’t appropriate. Sometimes there aren’t words for situations that are deeply sad…where the loss is too great, too fresh and words don’t suffice.

In this situation, when there are no words…I offered to LISTEN…that too is a gift…to LISTEN and to LOVE.

LOVE in all its simplicity is a GIFT.

LOVE in all its enormity is a GIFT.

LOVE can help HEAL wounded hearts, lift spirits and CONNECT souls.

LOVE is a GIFT you give yourSELF and it is a GIFT you give to others.

I didn’t need to give expensive presents. I didn’t need to give numerous presents. I just needed to express my love.

It really is that simple.

Wishing you a beautiful, loving and simple Tuesday my friends.

Take out all the reasons why you shouldn’t LOVE and replace them with all the reasons why you should LOVE. 

With a smile,

Tina

PS.  Come back on Thursday as I’ll have a great read to get you started for the NEW YEAR!  In the meantime, THE DECISION is an excellent way to kickstart the new year by making goals, finding your happiness and living an authentic life!