What do you see when you look at this photo?
- Do you see an ugly child?
- Do you see scars on her face? Big ears?
- Do you see a dirty, shameful, wicked girl?
- Do you see joy or do you see pain?
- Do you think she should shut up because she doesn’t have anything good to say?
- Do you think she feels loved? Safe? Scared? Alone?
I have been forced over the last couple of years to take a serious look into my PAST in order to understand my PRESENT, and then in turn, to change my FUTURE.
My childhood was very painful but I have a part of the story I haven’t been acknowledging. I had people in my life who unbeknownst to them, helped me through it. Some opened their home to me and gave me a safe place to be myself. Some made me laugh from my very core and others made me feel accepted, despite not having any money, and feeling completely unworthy.
I can tell you that their perception of me as a kid and my perception of me as a kid are very different.
As an adult, I look at that photo of myself and I see a sweet little girl with a very big heart who just wanted to love and help people, make them laugh, and be accepted for who she was.
But I also know that inside that little girl felt so ugly, unworthy, dirty, scared, and truly thought she was hideous. I feel so sad that she felt that way about herself…that I felt that way about myself.
Although my inner world was warped and my perceptions were off, the outside world saw someone different. They saw parts of me that I couldn’t see as a child.
For example, for me, my freckles were like scars on my face. I hated each and every one of them. I literally tried to fade them with lemon juice one year while sitting in the sun…as you can imagine this just created a very tight, sour little face…my Mom had some old black book of household remedies and it suggested putting rain water from an old tree trunk on my face…I did that too! I was a funny, weird little kid but I hated my freckles so much and yet I know others loved them.
It’s made me realize that some of the internal stories I’ve been telling myself aren’t true.
Just because I THINK something about myself, doesn’t mean it’s always REAL.
Just because I look in the mirror and think, “God Tina, you are looking old” doesn’t mean I am actually looking old…it just means I need to be kind to myself today because the voice of criticism is rising up and the only way to get it to calm down is to LOVE WHO I AM.
It starts with that little girl…she didn’t know any better…but I do…
Be gentle towards yourself today, love goes much deeper than you think…
With a smile
Tina
PS. Don’t forget you can find me on Facebook too!
