That was an interesting question for me. Before, I would have said,
“No, I deserve to be happy.”
But that’s not really answering the question, is it?
I started to understand this about myself when I completed my 40k run on my 40th birthday. I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life. It was a joyful time because I felt like I was moving forward and making positive changes. I had dealt with a lot of issues and had the tools to continue to improve my life. That was true, but I had a very big lesson to learn.
Because of this new found strength and happiness, I decided to allow a relationship back into my life that I had terminated while I was training. I terminated it because it was toxic to me. Jogging helped me process that relationship, challenge that relationship and finally JOGGING GAVE ME THE STRENGTH TO END IT. But after some time away, my memory started to play tricks on me. I began thinking of the favorable memories and minimizing the painful, harmful ones. Besides, with the skills I learned while jogging, I thought that I could handle it better.
It was MADNESS, but I allowed this relationship and all the chaos, stress, negativity and dysfunction back in.
I didn’t know how to handle my new found happiness. I had to sabotage it somehow, and this relationship was by far the best choice because it was familiar to me.
HAPPINESS had eluded me for so many years that I felt really uncomfortable with it. I know that sounds odd but I honestly didn’t know how to handle it. I felt far more secure and safe in misery, shame, guilt and depression. That’s what I knew, so on an unconscious level, that felt more normal. Jogging took me out of that and I didn’t know what to do after I finished that initial goal.
I had my high and now I needed my low.
Thankfully it didn’t last long and as I was reeling from the madness and maintaining short runs, I decided to return to more intensive jogging. I accepted a new physical goal of running a half marathon….thanks to the pushing of one good friend who had no idea how important that half marathon was to me. It was difficult with my insane work schedule and stress level but once again:
Jogging saved my life.
It helped me get CENTERED, allowed me to hear MY TRUTH and gave me the STRENGTH to end the madness, for good.
Today, I sustain my happiness and relish in my joy and I’m not afraid of it. It’s a daily gift that I am very grateful for.
Jogging connects me to my truth and in turn, gives me profound happiness.
When you find something that truly connects you to your inner self, JOY will be the result.
For some it’s yoga, others it’s hiking or cycling and for others it’s creating music… for me….it’s jogging…it opens me up and fills me with more than I could ever imagine. I truly hope you find that for yourself because it is a blessing.
If you are sabatoging your happiness, even in the smallest of ways, ask yourself why. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel joy and love. You deserve the best life. You can make that happen.
With a smile
Tina
PS. I have a couple Ezine articles around this topic, check it out HERE
