BETRAYAL – To Seduce And Desert

Sadly, I am not alone when I say I have been betrayed in my life – many times.

It started at a young age; too young to fully comprehend the profound impact of the betrayal but old enough to instinctively know it was devastatingly wrong.

At first I was guarded and didn’t trust anyone but as I grew older my choices in the people I trusted reflected that initial betrayal. I now understand that I chose people who seemingly were incapable of being loyal, honest or forthright. I chose the manipulators of the world because those were the ones I knew best.

Why? Why would I subject myself to such pain over and over again?

The last time that happened to me I made a conscious decision.

“I’m DONE.”

I was so sick of feeling like crap because of how someone else’s actions affected me. I was tired of feeling devastated, exhausted, deeply sad and constantly worrying about what the other person was doing because I knew in my gut, it wasn’t good. I knew I was being lied to, on a regular basis. That’s a horrible feeling. It took everything out of me so I was left completely empty, literally left with nothing.

I made a conscious decision to figure out what it was inside of myself that allowed such appalling and despicable behavior. What part of me felt comfortable in that painful chaos? Why did I choose to be involved? Ultimately, that’s the difficult but key question to answer because I know I played a part in all this.

What I wanted to know and truly understand was, WHY?

Why did I devalue myself to such an enormous degree that I would be a player in this toxic game?

You have to UNDERSTAND before you can CHANGE.

I have been processing, which includes:

• Crying
• Yelling
• Cursing
• Praying / meditating
• Reading
• JOGGING
• Cross training
• Speed training
• Hill training
• Hiking
• Journaling

I am fiercely determined to heal the wound that continues to feed this lesson.

So I dig deep, peeling open the source of pain and allowing all the grief, heartache, anger, sadness and fear to come to the surface…30 years worth…slowly oozes out…

I clean that wound with love. Love for myself.

I do and say things that nurture the very core of who I am. For me, I believe it’s the only way to my TRUTH so I don’t repeat prior behavior. I will not allow that toxicity into my life again.

This is not fun; therefore, this is not a daily occurrence. The miracle of this process is now I can look in the mirror and see the real Tina shining through. The person I knew was always there…the happy, loving, caring, fun, quirky, open-hearted Tina.

And being open-hearted is a choice. I don’t want to be an angry, bitter or vengeful person. It’s not who I am and I’ll be damned if I let someone else’s actions plant that seed inside of me.

As the dictionary states, betrayal is seduce and desert. You are seduced into believing the lies and deserted when the truth surfaces, as it always does. The pain runs deep but it’s not so deep it can’t be healed. I am healing every day and if you have been betrayed, YOU WILL HEAL TOO.

Today take care of your heart, your inner spirit and the very essence of who you are. If you honor and respect your true authentic self, then you will attract others that do the same. It must resonate with you first…always with YOU first.

Self-care, self-love and self-respect isn’t selfish…

I understand the pain from all sides, but I also understand that you can heal…

With compassion and love

Tina

PS. Check out this Ezine article…it’s a good one!