I’m Sorry…

The other day I had to look someone in the eye and apologize.  It wasn’t easy.  It was actually very difficult because they looked back at me with such pain and confusion.  They looked so sad and hurt and I felt awful for making someone feel that way.

I could barely look this person in the eye. It’s important when you apologize that you look into their eyes and truly mean what you are saying. I had to do it.

The words got stuck in my mouth…eventually they came out, but very softly…

I’m sorry

Tears welled up in both of our eyes.  I could see that what I was saying meant something so I continued…

I’m sorry I HURT you. I’m sorry I stopped BELIEVING in you for a while. I shouldn’t have called you STUPID.  You’re not stupid and you’re not screwing up. I get SCARED sometimes and then I take it out on you. I’m sorry I expect PERFECTION when you are learning something new. I’m sorry I broke my PROMISES to you.  I hate that one most of all.  Of course you are going to shut down when I’m being so MEAN to you.  I know when I’m mean it stops you from being the best person you can be.  IT DIMS YOUR LIGHT AND I DON’T EVER WANT TO BE THE PERSON WHO DIMS YOUR LIGHT. It’s abusive. I understand this and I’m truly sorry.  Please forgive me.

It was so painful but I had to apologize.  I knew what I was doing wasn’t right.  It was terribly wrong and I had to acknowledge my part in it.  I had to say how sorry I was, but I had to really mean what I was saying so she would believe me.  I didn’t want to lie to her.

Here’s the thing:

I am HER.

I apologized to mySELF. I looked in the mirror and said those things, looking past my eyes and into my heart…past my heart and into my soul…past the bullshit and straight to the TRUTH.

Sometimes, you have to say sorry to others and sometimes you have to say sorry to yourSELF.  Once you say SORRY, you have to FORGIVE and LET GO.

It’s easy to get sidetracked in life.  There are lots of things to distract us and there are demons such as fear, insecurity and old patterns to push us off track.  By recognizing what I was doing, apologizing to the person inside of me who was feeling hurt and betrayed and forgiving mySELF, I am able to move on with clarity and love.  I am clear of how mean I was being and how old patterns are quick to find the cracks. I am a work in progress but I have to be vigilant towards SELF CARE because this builds love; love for mySELF.

Sometimes saying sorry is the best thing you can say to yourSELF.  It certainly helped me this weekend.

BE KIND

BE GENTLE

BE LOVING

…to yourSELF and to others…

With a smile, love and gratitude,

Tina

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