Dear PMS:
Why? Why do you come in the night and take away my personality? Why do you leave me emotional, irrational and totally craving salt and sugar? Why do you see everything as half empty? Why do you insist on making everything so irritating?
Dear Tina:
Please talk to your Aunt Flo
Dear Aunt Flo:
Really? I have to talk to YOU? You’re someone my Mother made up so she didn’t have to talk about you…or it…the thing…you know. Sigh. Ok, Aunt Flo, why do you have to invade my ‘house’ when you come ‘visit’? Why can’t you ‘visit’ quietly without a lot of hoopla so no one gets hurt?
Tina Dear:
Tsk tsk tsk. We don’t talk about these things! And we certainly don’t talk about them ON LINE and IN PUBLIC. You’re going to embarrass yourself. Please talk to your hormones, behind closed doors and quit fussing about.
Dear Hormones:
Why? Why do you have such a fascination for B’s? You attack my breasts, belly and butt. You make them bigger. Geez, another B. My butt gets bigger because you insist on making me eat chips and cupcakes simultaneously and my belly becomes bloated (Ug, another B!). Can you please make up your mind…do you want me to have teenage hormones or perimenopausal hormones? Acne or hot flashes? MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
Dear Tina:
Please talk to Mother Nature.
Dear Mother Nature:
This is my third letter. As you can probably guess I’m getting a little frustrated. I understand you are a busy woman, we all are. I know you have a thousand things you are doing all at the same time maintaining everyone else’s schedules, keeping the peace, cleaning house, and making sure we all get along but I really need your advice on PMS. Why is it so difficult? Why couldn’t you have given part of this burden to man?
Dear Tina:
Please talk to God.
Dear God:
Ok, you are my fourth letter. Why? Just tell me why…
Crickets chirping…
Uh, God? Helllllooo?! God???
Dear Tina:
We’re sorry but God isn’t available right now, he’s watching the Canucks playoffs. Please try back later.
And that’s why there are so many irritable, emotional, hungry and cranky women in the world…
If you need me I’ll be sitting on the couch sobbing, as I eat a bag of Doritos, slurp back a martini while I watch Sex In The City and snort with laughter at the absolute absurdity that love and romance actually exist, but secretly hoping it does.
Don’t worry, I’ll be fine by Thursday…
With a smile,
Tina
