I suffer from insomnia. A while back I wrote down some of my thoughts that were keeping me awake. This is a very raw and unedited section of my journal from that night. I openly share it with you because if you also suffer a night or nights like this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I’ll share with you what I felt and then what I did about it…
It’s almost midnight and I can’t sleep. My mind is racing. This is not fun, lying in bed worrying/agonizing about a thousand things, doubting almost everything. I hate being awake, in the darkest hours with just me and my negative thoughts yelling at me from inside my head.
I will be completely honest…
I am terrified of failing or not really being 100% certain that I am making the right choices for myself. I’m so scared that I’m going to screw things up and end up completely broke. I took a huge risk when I quit my second full time job and in moments like this I wonder how I’m going to make it work. I get so scared that I jumped too soon, waiting for the net to appear…but what if there is no safety net? What if the lesson I am to learn is to not jump so quickly?
I’m so scared there is a big, painful lesson to learn and I don’t know if I’m ready for another one…these big lessons make me weary, so I’m bracing myself…waiting for it…paralyzed by the possibility of it…
But I look back and I know in my gut I made the right decision…the results aren’t as quick as I’d like so DOUBT sees the opportunity and marches into my brain and begins to take over. He invites FEAR and INSECURITY and they have a little party. They tie me up, cover my mouth so I can’t speak and they begin to beat me with their harsh, cruel words.
“What the hell were you thinking?”
“How are you going to fix this mess?”
“You’re going to lose everything.”
“I don’t see how you are going to get yourself out of this one.”
It’s scary…and moments like this I want to roll over and gently wake up my partner who will put his arms around me and say, “It’s ok honey, you’re going to be ok. We’ll be ok…you aren’t alone…I’m here to support you. I love you…now go back to sleep.”
But I don’t have a partner so these are the nights when I have to ride it out until I can jog tomorrow…because tomorrow I know I will be CRYING HARD, but RUNNING HARDER…releasing this pressure that is building inside…I just have to get through the night…
I need some faith. It’s such an empty feeling without some sort of faith, belief or amazing grace to hold onto…I believe what I need to grasp on to is inside, and moments like tonight, that gets trapped in the whirling of thoughts and fears. I am disconnected to my core, my soul, spirit, energy, god-stuff, light whatever you want to call it…I am disconnected and that is the main problem….
Jogging will get me back on track tomorrow.
That is exactly what I did. I ran a longer distance the following day and it was exactly what I needed to get myself out of that anxious state.
Jogging has NEVER let me down! When my mind starts racing, my vision gets lost in the fear and doubts so I have to remember to hold on until I can jog it out.
Jogging releases the negative energy building up inside creating a new, hopeful, loving energy instead.
The difference is like a MIRACLE each time it happens…and yet, IT’S A MIRACLE I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON.
If you suffer from sleepless nights due to anxiety, worries, racing thoughts or stress remember that exercise will take away that pressure…it will change your brain chemistry and release those happy endorphins. The physical aspect of it is obvious, but the MENTAL and EMOTIONAL aspect is what keeps me jogging. It is a solution for me that works every time!
I wish you positive thoughts today, a connection to who you really are and the ability to see your grace and love. Tonight, I hope you get a good, restful sleep!
With a smile and compassion,
Tina
